Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……