Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
#Caturday
Feels like the fourth month in January
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.