Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”