Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”