Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
You Might Also Like
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.