Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Damn what did I do next
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo