Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.