Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
You Might Also Like
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
LOOOOOOL
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up