Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.