Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I’ve been learning to cook.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.