Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
You Might Also Like
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*3.5 thank you very much.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.