@MissBamantha: Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."
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@onion_an: [police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"
@GrantTanaka: Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them [watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone] I mean, not that one, but most
@Ristolable: Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
@philmann: DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE: 1) put on a movie 2) don't watch it 3) read a book 4) every time something happens ask what happened