[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK