Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
All generalizations are stupid.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s