Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
the rocks need my help
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.