“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Not all heroes wear capes.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends