nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.