@jonnysun: nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought "how did a pigeon make $2.75"
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@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
@suz1973luq: Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
@Robert_Beau: CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
@JediGigi: [he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.