nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm