Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Have a lovely day 😊
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”