is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
OH. COME. ON.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.