Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
You Might Also Like
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
How does one answer this?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!