Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food