@Hey_Sascha: Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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@donni: COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@hipstermermaid: I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
@StarWarsProblms: Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug! Jabba: *speaks Huttese* C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.