Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
taking June’s advice to heart
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
That’s enough internet for the day
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.