@timdonakowski: Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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@Fred_Delicious: "911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"
@jwalkonthemoon: It's stupid that "girl" and "world" are rhymed together so much in songs when "squirrel" is right there for the taking.
@NYC_Blonde: You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That's what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address