Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.