Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Effort made
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce