Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be