If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Whoa… oh I see lol
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
A game married people play.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”