My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak