@_steamy_mac: Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!
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@TheBigBatman: Wife left a note on the fridge it says "It's not working, gone to my mom's" I opened it and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge works fine?
@KirstyWebeck: Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?” Me: “Errr. Sure?” *bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
@BackrowSeats: In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".