A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters