Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?