@juliussharpe: Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair... the warm pavement on your face...
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@lawking30: I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk* "I'm gonna get healthy!" *drinks almond milk* "This is gross." *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* "Perfect."
@leyawn: someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@DowntimeDad: I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn't poop their pants.