[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
This probably isn’t good
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.