Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims