@junejuly12: Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.
@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.