Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
getting corrected
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.