Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler