Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
That 👊