@Lexactly: Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
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@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
@SirEviscerate: [Wrench factory] BOSS: I'm proud to say it's been 250 days without an injury! WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.