@Lexactly: Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
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@GrantTanaka: A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone Me: Want me to call it? Wife: Sure, I - Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
@Underchilde: If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
@dlicj: [at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey