*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant