Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??