Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?