Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
You Might Also Like
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
😩😩😩