Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.