Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.