Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
📽️movie date🎞️
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.