Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday