Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
You Might Also Like
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I might carry a baby with one hand.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I think we should hear other voices.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.