Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot