Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The Book. The Movie.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?