@GingerHotDish: Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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@moooooog35: [1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need
@Shen_the_Bird: me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up boss: hey we're in a meeting me: [avoiding eye contact] because they're being mean to me
@Rollinintheseat: A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
@JasonLastname: First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, "THIS IS A ROBBERY!" Otherwise they might think it's a baptism.