Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
You Might Also Like
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?