Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother