A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make