*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
road rage
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.